Mister Pterodactyl
Monday, September 06, 2004
Conspiracies R Us Dept.

President Bush appears to be ahead in the polls. The Kerry campaign is imploding. Democrats everywhere are fighting for ledge space. And now Bill Clinton just happens to need heart surgery? Sure he does.

It’s all about the timing, people.

Remember, you heard it here first: Clinton’s operation will be successful, but wait! There’s a complication! He’s slipped into a coma, and isn’t expected to live!

Two days later, at a press conference where she discusses her comatose husband for the first time, a tearful Hillary will reveal that “Bill’s last words to me (sob) before he lost consciousness were (honk) ‘Hillary, you have got to run.’ Therefore I am today announcing my candidacy for President of the United States in 2004.”
Democrats immediately flee from Kerry, who plaintively mutters something about Vietnam. Can the Dems un-nominate a candidate? Doesn’t matter. Efforts to add her to the ballot as an independent erupt in states where there’s still time, huge write-in campaigns where there’s not. Hillary picks either Dick Gephardt or Zell Miller as her running mate. Maybe Mario. They unveil sweeping health care and Social Security reforms and pledge to make the UN respected again (or something). Polls are tight.
Then, the Dems unveil their own ‘October surprise:’ Bill’s pulling through! He’s gonna be okay after all!

The day after Osama bin Laden is captured. Diabolical.

Don’t forget: it’s not whether you’re paranoid; it’s whether you’re paranoid enough.

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