Thursday, April 01, 2004
You're not gonna believe this one.
WASHINGTON D.C. – The State Department made a startling announcement at an early morning press conference today: the U.S. ambassador to the UN, John Negroponte, will ask the Security Council to pass a resolution declaring the government of North Korea illegitimate because it’s ruling elite has been replaced by robot simulacra.
State Department spokesman Andrew Scott told reporters that the first hint of something strange came from James L. Chang, professor of East Asian studies at UCLA and North Korea expert. “Every year, the U.S. and South Korea hold joint military exercises, and every year the North Koreans complain about it,” Scott said. “What nobody realized before is that over the last 25 years, the protests from North Korea have been exactly the same, word-for-word, every year.”
Professor Chang had mentioned this in passing to an analyst at the National Reconnaissance Office, who asked not to be named in this article. That analyst, whose job includes scrutinizing satellite images and spectrographic photos of North Korea, had forgotten Chang’s comment until he too noticed something odd.
“The spectrography over Pyongyang was wrong. Human bodies have to eliminate waste products, and like all other mammals those waste products release a certain amount of methane into the atmosphere. The methane traces around Pyongyang were considerably smaller than expected for a city that size.”
At a loss to explain the anomaly, the analyst brought it up at a staff meeting, piquing the interest of a colleague who was acquainted with David Hawk, author of the recent report on North Korean gulags for the U.S. Committee for Human Rights in North Korea. “He and Dave had been out to dinner, and Dave was telling all these stories he’d heard from refugees. Some of them were pretty wild.” The wildest stories involved mysterious factories where nobody ever entered or left. “They had all kinds of theories about what got built in there. One guy even had pictures. Looked like that assembly line from ‘Attack of the Clones,’” a reference to the latest Star Wars installment.
Other documents produced by recent defectors were more interesting. One man, a former low-level functionary in the Food Ministry, provided partial records showing the distribution of foreign food aid. Those records show that very little of the aid reached Pyongyang. Pages of the report were missing, but the defector was certain that the section regarding North Korea’s largest cities was complete.
“So here you’ve got nothing going into the city, and nothing coming out, and yet there’s all these healthy-looking people walking around.” The NRO stepped up satellite surveillance of Pyongyang. Photographs are classified, but a spokesman described what they showed. “As the resolution gets better you start seeing…oddly shaped limbs, missing limbs, even people sitting motionless in the street and never getting up. But later you’d see the same people and they’d look perfectly normal again.”
The breakthrough came when a smuggled videotape of a rare public appearance by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il reached Seoul. It showed a government official, seated behind Kim, removing and reattaching his own left hand. Wires and metal plating are clearly visible.
“They’re androids.” Said Scott. “It’s absolutely unbelievable. Their human-simulacrum technology may be even more advanced than our own. Here we thought they were making bombs with those nuclear fuel rods, but all the time they were using them to power state-of-the-art robots.”
KCNA, the official news network of North Korea, carried this statement denouncing the U.S. position: “this new lie is merely another attempt by the United States to weaken and dominate the DPRK. We will continue to strengthen our army and enhance the nuclear deterrent in order to counter the American threat.” DPRK is the official name of North Korea.
The South Korean Grand National Party also criticized the U.S. “The hostility of the Bush administration to North Korea is well known,” a spokesman said. “But we will not allow anything, even the revelation that our cousins to the north are robots, to deter us from eventual peaceful reunification.”
Activists for human rights in North Korea took a more positive view of developments, but most of their comments are not printable.
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